During my twenties and my early thirties I was not a motherhood craver. I was more longing for long distance trips, art and having wonderful people around. My friends got married one by one and had children. I loved to be a guest at weddings and dance freely till dawn. And I loved their beautiful kids. And secretly enjoyed the fact that they were theirs not mine.
But starting from last year I started to dream about having my daughter and about all the things I could share with her, plus combing a long and smooth hair that was not mine.
My wish was strengthen by the “Eay Pray Love” guru Ketut Lier that reading my hand while in Bali told me with his only tooth left in the mouth: “ I see you will have a daughter.” So my first thought was: “Now that’s a certainty!” and the second thought was: ” Now’s time for girls shopping! She must have her wardrobe before falling from the sky and into my belly”. I never beieved it’s a bad sign buying things in advance for your baby, but I believed it was bad luck for a lady coming in this world without some pairs of very fine shoes. So I started shopping even before starting conceiving a baby.
When the miracle happened and the light of life materialized in two red straight lines, all my thoughts began to change. A total renewal that came from within. I think I could have written books with the waves of thoughts that invaded my mind as my body started to be inhabited.
The first three months I was stuck between happiness and seconds of fear. A senseless fear that my small being is too tiny to cross into the realm of reality.
There’s one feeling though that didn’t abandon me all this time: the fact that it’s a girl. Even if I must admit that at night time all my baby dreams were with them dressed in blue. One night I even dreamed Andrea asking me “Do you like the name Filippo?” I woke up sweating and saying to myself out loud “But she’s a girl.”
At the beginning of August I took the DNA blood test that examined if there were any fetal defects and it determined also the baby gender. A mail in my inbox was about to arrive while I was on holiday in Grece that would give me the life changing news.
I was still tempted to buy girl stuff while on holyday but I somehow stopped. The last gift were a pair of pink Nike that Andrea (convinced by me that she’s a girl) happily bought. “ She didn’t have anything casual.” he said. Then followed two weeks of continuous refresh inbox button waiting for the news, the longest weeks I can remember. Looking at small girls playing on the beach and accidentally peeping at boys. The mail came on a Tuesday afternoon (25 August). I quickly called Andrea and his cute seven years old son that desperately wanted a brother.
We clicked on the mail and it was as if a sudden summer rain started in my head: it’s a boy!
I never felt so unprepared and surprised. Different thoughts and a different kind of joy arrived. Like finding out for the first time that I was pregnant. Like love at first sight. Like a brand new beginning.
Maybe some day you will read this story and smile thinking how your silly mom waited for you, preparing an entire girl wardrobe and than was just so happy to run and buy stuff for her little man.